Let me tell you a story about the day my car alarm went off

A Fall story:

Let me tell you a story about the day my car alarm went off. It was a Sunday like many other Sundays in early-October. I had just finished raking out the gutters and I felt pretty happy with myself. There was a large pile of general gutter muck in the backyard that had accumulated steadily throughout the morning. I was now at the point where I had to do something with it but I had no idea what. How do I get this giant pile of gutter muck into a garbage bag, I wondered. I could place the garbage bag on the ground and have someone hold it open and then rake it into the bag but there was no one around to hold the bag for me plus the rake would probably rip the bag and make a big mess so that wouldn’t work. The other idea I had was to wheel the garbage can to the backyard and then shovel all the muck into the open garbage container but when I started doing that I found that the bin was already packed full and the garbage pickup wasn’t until Tuesday.

I was starting to get a little frustrated and frankly a bit worried because my neighbor Steve is real stickler about keeping a clean yard and gives me a hard time about not having as nice of a yard as him, saying that my “subpar yard landscaping and overall disproportionate rock verses shrubbery space” is going to bring the market value of his house down. Steve is a real jerk sometimes. So, leaving this muck in the middle of my backyard was definitely not an option unless I wanted to incur the Wrath of Steve (as my wife calls it). I had to come up with a plan and I had to come up with it fast because there was a Dallas game coming on at three and I knew that I’d probably get too drunk during the game to have the energy or stamina to deal with the muck later and if I waited until that point than I might as well just wait until Tuesday when the trash pickup comes to empty my trash bin because God knows I’m not going to deal with this muck after work on Monday. That’s what I call my “wind down” time and I can’t be bothered (ask my wife, she knows).

I had been standing in my backyard thinking for about forty-five minutes by this point, and three o’clock was closing in fast. I had to do something so I did the last and obviously only thing I could think of which I now realize was not one of the best ideas I’ve ever had; I raked the muck from the pile all around my yard so that it spread onto my lawn like a thin layer of chunky peanut butter. In fact, it looked very much like chunky peanut butter if you looked at it from above. I decided this was the best short term answer to my problem and that was that, I would deal with it later (I actually never dealt with it later; we had an early snowfall that year which covered it up until spring but that is a whole different story). I put away my rake, cracked a High Life and watched the Cowboys get their hats handed to them by the Denver Broncos. Woe is me, I thought.

It was around ten at night when I heard the car alarm go off. I didn’t hear anything else but the alarm. When I went outside to check it out I found the passenger door pried open and my suitcase with all my important papers for the Johnson closing on Monday as well as a box of Saltines I had just opened, gone. I never found out who did it or why. I don’t think it was connected to the gutter muck but sometimes I wonder, maybe it was.

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~ by talkmyshitagain on November 22, 2009.

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